Tuesday, April 13, 2010

An Open Letter To People from the UK

My apologizes.  But I don't like the way you speak.  I have nothing against you as a person.  In fact, there have been many of you who have made my stay in French very welcoming.  Some of the nicest people I've met have been from England, Ireland, and whatever other "-lands" there are.  And in addition to that, in no way am I saying that I (and most Americans...well, Midwesterners) speak perfectly.  But I've gotten to the point where hearing you speak is like nails on a chalkboard.

This all began a year ago when it was the first time I heard "hoover."  Hoover is a (minor) brand of a vacuum cleaner.  Yet, to you, not only is it a proper noun (as it should be), but it's a regular noun and a verb (Go hoover the living room).  WHAT?!?  Then it was the first time my kids asked me for a "rubber."  Seeing as how Macsen was only 6, I thought this was hugely inappropriate.  I was not going to give him a condom.  But in fact, he was asking for an eraser.  That's because instead of "erase", you say "rub"?  So when Tony Saprano "rubs someone out", he's just fixing his mistake?

I could go on and on with these words.  Actually, I've made a list of British/English equivalents (I didn't post it because it's boring to post a list).  These nouns or words are my main gripe.  I have other qualms...

Units.  A team is a SINGLE unit.  The team IS winning.  You say, "The team are losing."  That makes no sense at all.  We do say the Chicago Bulls are winning.  But the team is made up of several individual Bulls.  It's kind of like saying Tim and Tom ARE going to the store.  Does this make sense?  It really bothers me.

Finally, the accent.  For the most part, I have no problem with accents.  It's only the really strong ones that get me (I'm talking to you Irish people).  However, my kids' accents bother me.  To them, ball=bull.  There is no difference in pronunciation.  All=Ull, Call=Cull, etc.  This gets Macsen into big problems when he phonetically spells these words.  Then when I tell him that he says it wrongly, we get into fights.

I'm sure I'll probably get myself into trouble writing this letter.  I really mean no ill-will.  I know I don't live in a glass house, so I shouldn't be casting the first stone.  But I'm just tired of living out here.  I can't wait to return to Indiana where I can listen to my own, wonderful, accent.  I guess that, like my father, I'm not good with change.

You say po-tay-to, I say po-tot-to...let's call the whole thing off.  I can't wait to.

P.S. OH!  Fork and Knife!  Why do you need to push EVERYTHING onto your fork with your knife?  Why can't you just scoop it up with your fork?  I understand that for some things, this makes sense.  But for everything?  This just seems like overkill.  It's rather strange to an American like me.

4 comments:

  1. Haha. Love it. I'm not sure where I fit into this though...if I'm an American living in the UK? I have picked up some of the vocab, but still am constantly mocked for my own accent/vocab. Hope you enjoy your last couple days/weeks there!

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  2. When Dolly was in elementary school in Virginia, she was taught about words that "sound the same but are spelled differently". These were words like "Pin and Pen", "tin and ten" and "Bin and Been". To this day, when asking for a ball point writing devise, I still hear in Dolly's accent "Pin" in the question; "Do you have a pen?"

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  3. Greg, Is that where Jon got his "unique" way of speaking? From Dolly? He says "pin" for "pen", "pellow" for "pillow", "garvage" for "garbage". (I'm sure the boys could come up with many more examples.) But, no, on second thought, I think that's just "Jon speak". No need to blame Dolly.

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  4. Do you like the way Southerners say "Ax" instead of ask? Our neighbors in Griffith used to say that and then my kids started saying that until I stopped them. So don't ax me any questions.

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